You're a FAT PIG!

I've been thinking a lot about my weight and what that's done to the way i see myself over the years. As I've thought about this vast topic, I've remembered some of the worst moments I've ever experienced. I remember the time I was in an elevator in my dorm building at school and was randomly called ugly and cow by a male I'd never seen or spoken to before. I remember the first time I looked in the mirror and called myself those names, and I remember the first & only time I ever spoke something that awful to someone else and how I felt in its wake. None of those experiences were good, but the worst, was by far, the last.

I don't remember how old I was, but I know I was old enough to know better. I have to believe it was summertime and I was home from school being looked after by my older sister. If you ask either of us we'd tell you that we didn't get along the greatest as children. We didn't truly become friends until we were both older and starting to live our own lives in college. I know that I never did anything to encourage a better relationship when we were kids, and as a matter of fact, I was a mean little brat.

One day we were home by ourselves and disagreed about something. I don't remember at all what the argument was about, but it was probably over something stupid like what to watch on tv or what game to play. The argument escalated into a yelling match (me yelling and her walking away) and before she shut the door to her bedroom leaving me in the hallway, I yelled the one thing that I knew could truly hurt her. As the words dripped from my tongue my mind already began processing how awful what I was saying truly was. Regret flooded over me instantaneously, but I said it and couldn't take it back. I yelled, "You're a fat pig," and listened to her slam the door. It may have been my imagination, but I heard her cry a little bit too. I've never experienced instant regret like that before.

The reason those words stung, and I suppose knowing they'd sting was the reason I said them, was because my sister was a bigger kid. I knew she was self-conscious about the way that she looked and I used it against her. Having gained weight over my adult years and knowing what struggles I've gone through emotionally/mentally because of that has made that single experience even more awful. It's two decades later and I still feel bad for what I said. A true blow below the belt. To be fair, she's never brought it up since and it's not a story that we've ever relived in any way. I'm not sure she'd even remember it because we bickered so much that it might have just been chalked up as one ridiculous instance in a long line of incidents, but I'm still sorry.

I know children don't sensor themselves when they speak, but most learn over time the very distinct difference between right and wrong. I knew, without any doubt, that calling my sister a fat pig was wrong, but I did it anyway. It wasn't until I was called fat by a stranger that I realized just how wrong or awful those words can be. Quick story: While riding the elevator in Tamarack Hall at Bemidji State University my sophomore year of college from the ground floor to my room on fifth floor, a young man whom I had never recalled seeing or speaking too stood apart from me. He selected the sixth floor as his destination (every other floor was men, likewise, the opposite floors were for women). There was a third person in the elevator with us who I later met and became friends with through mutual acquaintances. He also lived on sixth floor. The ride was silent, literally no one spoke to anyone. As the doors opened on the fifth floor and I began stepping out of the elevator, one of the guys said "hey" in order to get my attention. I turned around, blocking the elevator doors and the guy said to me, "I just can't help myself, but did you know you're really unattractive? I mean you're kind of like a cow."

The guy that I eventually became friends with gasped and the asshole laughed. I stepped out of the way of the doors and let them close in front of me. I didn't show any reaction to the guy who said that to me, but when I got to my room with the door firmly closed and no way of anyone walking in on me, I cried. The kicker - I wasn't even overweight then, at all. I'm not sure I was truly hurt by his words because I had a boyfriend, lots of friends, I was happy and physically active. I went to the gym regularly and played intramural sports. I think the words really bothered me because I couldn't, and still can't fathom how anyone could say something like that to a stranger completely unprovoked.

I could say that I have a great moral to this story, but I guess I'm sharing it just for the sake of showing that words hurt. I've been on both ends of unkind words, and I have to admit that I was hurt more when I spoke them as opposed to when they were spoken to me. I thought yelling "fat pig" would make me feel better in some way, but it didn't. Think before you insult someone else, especially about weight. Body image plays into self-confidence to an extreme. And if you've been on the receiving end, just remember that those words are empty. Whoever said that to you is insecure and just trying to feel better about who they are by making you feel worse about how you look.