Five Month Hiatus ... & a Lot of Changes

It's definitely been awhile since I've blogged, but I'm determined to get back into a regular routine. The last time I wrote I talked about my gall bladder surgery and the complications that came with it. Since that time there's been a true cornucopia of events in my life. Instead of boring you with all of the details, I'll offer a quick synopsis and maybe even a few photos!

May: surgery, last day at my job at Imagine Marketing, bachelorette party during a trip to Minnesota.

June: pre-wedding preparations, wedding & beginning of honeymoon in London.

July: honeymoon in London & visit with family in Minnesota and Wisconsin. Mike also had to work a lot of overtime while I adjusted to life without a job & searching for a new job.

August: the job

hunt continued, I struggled to keep a regular schedule.

September: Trip to Minnesota to visit family and friends, this also included a trip to the Minnesota State Fair! More job interviews and applications.

October: My birthday! I also interviewed with local companies including The Cosmopolitan,

but still no word on job placement.

Basically my life has been a blur from May until now. Every moment of every day leading up to our wedding and honeymoon was spent thinking about or preparing for the big events. And every ounce of preparation was

well worth it. The event was beautiful and exceeded every single expectation that we had!

As for my weight and how that has played into my day-to-day life, well, it's been a struggle. I maintained my weight really well leading up to the wedding to be sure my dress fit flawlessly, but I didn't give myself any restrictions during the wedding events and honeymoon. I figured that after a year of dieting, I deserved to enjoy our time in London!

Since I wasn't working I vowed to myself that I would keep a routine and pay close attention to my diet, but

it didn't always work out that way. The job search has been stressful and disappointing and for me, and that has led to stress-eating. I've always always always eaten my emotions. I have been good about getting to the gym, however. I think all of the work I'm doing at LVAC is being undone by the time I'm putting in, in front of the television.

So, this is my recommitment to myself. If I don't get my weight-loss back on track and keep with a plan then it's just going to lead to lower self-esteem and a greater struggle, right? I'm already struggling to find a job and so I don't need to continually feel bad about the way I look as well.

Today my husband (haha I'm married!!!) and I are enjoying a super relaxing day at the house. We'll watch a little college football and enjoy the fact that he's not working. I think as soon as I finish writing this I'll head to the gym so I can enjoy the rest of the day with him on the couch. Now that I have my determination back it's time to figure out what I want to do as far as the "diet" goes. Should I return to using the Lose It application on my iPhone religiously? Should I just cut out dairy and carbs? Any thoughts? I think I know that using the app is my best bet,

after all it helped me all last year right? I'm completely open to ideas!

I've added several photos throughout this blog from my wedding to my amazing husband Mike. We were married on June 26, 2010 in Oakdale, Minnesota and had a truly incredible reception in St. Paul. The best part about it was that when I looked in the mirror before the ceremony, I actually thought I looked beautiful! It's been a long time since I'd thought that about myself!

The "I Do" Morph

I have been engaged since Christmas Day 2008. It seems like forever ago that Mike popped the question, but really the past 14 months have flown by. Now, our wedding is less than four months away, or precisely 114 days from right now. At this time in 114 days I will be putting the finishing touches on my hair and make-up and having my bridesmaids slip into their dresses before helping me get into mine. What an ordeal I'm imagining it to be, but really, I know it's going to fly by quickly. Next year at this time I'll probably be wondering where the time went and sad that I wasn't able savor more of it. But anyway, the point is, there are only 114 more days before I'm determined to look "my best."

I've always taken decent care of myself and been right on top of hygiene, etc., but I've taken measures never taken before by me to make sure that on the day that I don the white wedding gown that I'm looking better than ever. Lose 20 lbs -- check (down 35 actually and still dropping), whiten teeth -- check (in the process at least), find consistent skin regimen -- well, that's the one I'm struggling with ....

I really thought that my biggest hurdle during this process of being motivated to become a better version of myself would be losing weight and being happy with my body. Although I'm not 100% thrilled with my body yet, the losing weight, eating better and exercising part of this "new me" is one of the easiest changes yet! I've never had the greatest skin, and I can probably chalk that up to the crap I shoved in my mouth along with every other reason in the book, but I've always washed my face in the morning and evening, etc., etc. I decided to try to control my skin once and for all and bought Proactiv. Let me tell you, my skin has never looked worse. I swear my face is exploding from the inside out and I'm terrified that I'm going to look like a 15-year-old boy in the middle of puberty on the day of my wedding!

I'm going to stop using Proactiv, but what should I use instead? I tried making an appointment with a local dermatologist on my health care plan and they are scheduling 16 weeks out --- that's four months or approximately my wedding date! Man this sucks.

Why can't transforming yourself come easy? I've said from the get-go that any changes I'm making to my body or myself are not for my wedding, and I'm still sticking with that. Whether I have a pimple on my chin or my hair is out of place or I only lost 35 lbs instead of 45 lbs on my wedding day, it's still going to be one of the best days of my life. It simply took me until I was 25-26 to decide that I want more from myself and damn it, I'm going to get it.

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By the way, my new find for weight loss cuisine is Progresso soups, and I'm not kidding. If you want a good low-calorie but filling dinner grab a can of soup, it really does work!

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And for shits and giggles, Here's a picture of me today (On the Right) and I threw in a photo from September (On the Left). Any difference?

26 For My 26th

In light of my 26th Birthday, I thought I would offer 26 facts about me. Don't worry, these aren't weight loss related because that would be fairly boring, but they're just random things that make me, me.

1. I love London, England more than any other place in the world. I have also never felt more at home anywhere than I did in London.
2. I could eat mashed potatoes for every meal and never tire of them (of course, I don't allow this to happen).
3. When I first met my fiance, Mike, I thought he was the most annoying person in the universe because he was too sarcastic and never stopped talking. My distaste for him didn't even last two weeks.
4. I once went an entire week in college without wearing anything other than pajamas -- this was allowed to happen because our university had underground tunnels that connected all the buildings and sheltered us from the blistery northern Minnesotan winters.
5. Mike and I have four pets, two cocker spaniels named London and Aribella and two cats named Madison (a boy) and Autumn. Mike was never allowed to have pets growing up so I think he's getting his fill for his entire childhood right now.
6. I come from a family of strong marriages and I hope mine will resemble what I've grown to view as the norm. My parents have been married for more than 30 years, my dad's parents have been married for more than 50 years and my mom's dad was married to her mom until she passed away, and has now been remarried for more than 25 years. Also, my sister has been happily married to her husband since 2005.
7. I have been best friends with one person my entire life, literally since the day our mom's introduced us on Oct. 21, 1983, the day I was born. I call her George, a nickname that started back in junior high, and she calls me Bob.
8. George and I have never gone to the same school, and were in fact one year apart grade-wise.
9. I live in Las Vegas, Nev. with Mike and our pets. We came for a job and stayed for our jobs, but if the circumstances allowed I would give my left leg to move back to the Midwest. (Someone once asked a famous comedian, "Isn't the desert beautiful?" Her response? "Mmmm, maybe when they finish it." I feel the same way.)
10. Mike and I have no real anniversary and don't really know when we started dating. We figure we'll have the rest of our lives after June 26, 2010 to celebrate anniversaries so why worry about it now?
11. Although I haven't lived in London since 2005, I still check the weather, news and tube system updates almost daily like I did when I was a resident.
12. I attended three different universities between 2002 and 2007: Bemidji State University, Richmond University -- The American International University in London and University of Wisconsin - River Falls.
13. On the worst day with the most horrible circumstances, watching my cats and dogs play can still make my laugh til I cry and feel elated.
14. Cold Stone Creamery ice cream is my favorite, but I'd much rather have a Dairy Queen ice cream cake. In fact, I have a Dairy Queen ice cream cake every year for my birthday without fail, including this year even though it's horrible for my diet.
15. I work in media relations (public relations). I jumped ship from journalism/reporting after I saw the newspaper industry, the proverbial Titanic, hit an ice berg and start sinking.
16. I was a three-sport athlete in high school, but you'd never know that from looking at me now. I played softball, basketball and volleyball. And for the record, yes, I was the choir president.
17. I have a tattoo that says London on my back and is an artistic version of the underground tube symbol. I can say this publicly now because my mom saw it when I was wedding dress shopping.
18. Speaking of wedding dresses, I found my perfect dress, literally one I had dreamt about after trying on only five or six at the first shop we went to. We went to other shops afterward just to be safe, but I went back that afternoon to buy it.
19. I love photography and used to be pretty good at it. Sometimes I wish I would have pursued a degree in fine arts with an emphasis in photography, but I know how hard it is to make a living that way.
20. I despise Las Vegas for one simple reason, and it's the same thing I dislike about the Twin Cities in Minnesota: public transportation isn't good enough. In Las Vegas, public transportation exists, but it mine as well not since it's useless.
21. I am almost more excited about the before and after of my wedding than the actual event. This is because I get to have my hair and makeup done with my girls and mom beforehand and go to London with my new husband afterward. Of course this isn't a true placement of my excitement, but it gives me even more to look forward to.
22. I have an iPhone and treat it like a permanent extension of my right hand. Life may cease to exist if I lose it or it breaks.
23. I used to drive a 2000 Ford Focus, but Mike loves me and so we traded it in for a 2006 BMW 325i four-door sedan. I love it and now understand why mom jokes about being buried in her BMW.
24. I was in two very serious relationships before dating Mike, but I've never been more comfortable with myself or with another person than with Mike. It took all of one month of dating to be undeniably sure that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
25. I love my sister and consider her a close friend, but it took all of childhood and the start of college for us to treat each other like friends and not like battling sisters. I only wish we lived closer now that we've reached this point.
26. My favorite place in the world is Postman's Park in London followed closely by the Killarney National Forest in Killarney, Ireland.

A Changing Perspective

"I want to see myself as beautiful at the wedding."

Almost a year ago, Mike snuck a diamond ring into his luggage when we flew from Nevada to Minnesota. While I was showering on Christmas morning he woke up, wrapped the present, addressed it from Santa Claus and placed it under the tree with all of the other gifts from my parents, sister, family members and of course Santa. When I hopped out of the shower and returned to our room to wake him up, he acted as though he had slept the entire time, and I had no clue that he was actually awake.

Not two hours later, Mike got down on one knee in front of my mom, dad, sister and brother-in-law and said, "Beth, I love you more than anything and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?" To my mother's shock and excitement, her youngest daughter was engaged to be married, the trick was, my dad was in on it the whole time. To be honest, it was perfect. Family is so important for both of us and being able to share that moment with my family, then immediately with my extended family, and then the next day with Mike's family was perfect. The wedding planning started immediately, and as Mike left Minnesota, I stayed behind to book the church and the reception location. I finally had some time to myself and that's when my mind ran wild. I distinctly remember saying to myself while lying in bed one night when I was still in Minnesota, "Now if only I could change. I want to see myself as beautiful at the wedding."

From that moment, I was on a mission. I started a new skin treatment, looked for the perfect diet and swore up and down that I would be my ideal weight, have sparkling white teeth and a glowing tan on June 26, 2010 when I walk down the aisle in my gorgeous white dress and join hands with Mike. That was how it was going to work.

As of right now, we have 8 months until our wedding. My skin isn't perfect and my teeth aren't sparkling. Hell, I'm no where near that "ideal weight" I swore I'd reach eight months ago, but something is different. I had a few moments to myself yesterday and I spent them thinking about our impending nuptials. I have the most beautiful dress, an amazing groom and the perfect wedding party. We've picked a great location, and we've completed almost all of the requirements to get married in the Catholic Church. My wedding planner even says that we're ahead of the game, and that for a bride I have quite the level head. As I tried to picture our wedding day eight months from now, the same thoughts I had last December returned to my head, but this time I said, "I just wanted to see my self as beautiful on my wedding day."

I'm no longer worrying about how I will perceive myself on June 26, 2010. It may have taken me seven months to truly get on the right track for losing weight and gaining confidence, but I got there. More and more I look in the mirror and actually tell myself that I look good in that outfit, or today I look slim. I'm not worried that on my wedding day I'm going to feel like I look fat, or I'm going to be upset if I weigh 175 lbs instead of 150 lbs. because none of this has actually been the point. The entire point of my attempt at a transformation has actually been to change my perspective of myself. I didn't realize this until yesterday. I'm trying to change my body, yes, but I'm trying to change it because I need to change the way I view myself. What a strange thing to realize. I guess it's true what they say about just about everything, 75% mental, 25% physical.

Doing It For the Right Reasons

Last week I asked the question, "What's your motivation for losing weight?" and I was secretly terrified of the responses I was going to receive. When the poll closed, however, I was pleasantly surprised with the results. I offered four possible answers and each person could only choose one. The people taking the poll could choose from these answers: myself, my spouse, family or social acceptance.

When I originally posted the question, I was scared that the majority of the responses would be for the spouse or social acceptance, but in reality, most people said they were losing weight for themselves.

Here's how the poll turned out:
Myself - 66%
My Spouse/Significant Other - 6%
My Family - 0%
Social Acceptance - 26%

What a fricken relief, seriously!

The reason I asked this question to anyone willing to answer was because I have spent a lot of time thinking about why I'm losing weight, and likewise, I've also spent a fair amount of time defending why I'm losing weight to other people. With my wedding right around the corner (less than 9 months away), when I tell people I started losing weight recently, they automatically seem to believe that I'm losing weight for that purpose. WRONGO! If I wanted to drop pounds for one day of my life then I'd probably choose a crash diet or something that allows me little hassle over a long period of time. However, I chose to change my entire lifestyle and every single eating habit I have because I want to be healthy again, I want to learn how to lose weight and keep weight off, and I want to look my best over a long period of time.

When thinking about the why, I've examined all of the options I listed, my family, my spouse-to-be and social acceptance, but none of them are my driving factor. I'm almost 26 years old, I gave up giving a crap about what society thinks of me a long time ago. If I got discouraged every time I saw some hot twenty-something in a short dress and long legs then I would have moved from Las Vegas and entered hibernation two years ago. I just want to be happy. That's it. And, I know I won't be happy with myself or happy in general until I make the changes necessary to get that way.

When it comes to my family and my spouse-to-be, I've never felt pressure from either category to look a certain way or be a specific weight. I've honestly never been around more supportive people. Like my personal goal, I've been told time and time again that me being happy with myself is the most important thing.

I'd be lying if I said looking amazing on my wedding day didn't cross my mind, but if I haven't reached my ultimate goal by that day it really doesn't matter! My wedding day isn't the end -- of my diet or my life -- it's exactly the opposite. My wedding day is the start of something new, and I hope by that point I've instilled in myself the necessary skills and habits to move forward with the best intentions and a happy state of mind.