A Minnesota Escape

In the past five days I have eaten some of my favorite things. I had a cupcake from A Piece of Cake, mac n cheese from Noodles, a home-cooked meal by my dad and munchies by relatives on Easter. It has been absolutely delicious and delightful. Mind you, I didn't say it's been wonderful for my waistline, but the risky calories were 100% worth it.

When I got my work schedule for this week last Thursday I had more days off than usual due to the store being closed for the Easter holiday. I decided to take advantage of those days off and take an impromptu trip to Minnesota to spend a few days with my family and closest friends. I think it was just what the doctor ordered for me (and completely surprising my parents was a bonus!). As I described it cheesily to my seat-companion on the plane back to Vegas, "the trip was a little dose of happiness for my soul." If you've stopped laughing at that, I can tell you that it's true. I haven't felt that calm, relaxed, unstressed, happy and comfortable here in Las Vegas in a long time. Minnesota brings me back to my roots and reminds me what's most important in life -- family & friends. I can't wait to some day move back and be surrounded by those people more consistently.

With that being said, whenever I go home I don't pay much attention to what I'm consuming because I'm usually only there a few days and I figure I can work it off when I get back. It's true, I can, but I think during my next trip home I should just stick to counting calories and not worry about working off any ounces gained. Between last Thursday and today, I gained one pound. That isn't too bad at all, but it is a gain instead of a loss. I also didn't do anything athletic at all. My soul was definitely taken care of, but I didn't pay any attention to my body! Come to think of it, between the black flats and a pair of boots, I didn't even bring any shoes I could have gone for a long walk in!

Mike and I have another trip planned to Minnesota on June 30. We're lucky because we get to celebrate our one-year anniversary (a couple days late) with our friends and family. I'm hoping that I'll pay more attention to my waistline and also make an effort to go for a walk in the mornings or maybe hit the gym with my dad when he goes. Speaking of my dad, he's dropped nearly 40 lbs working out and eating better and looks amazing! My best friends parents have both also dropped a lot of weight using the Seattle Sutton food program and look amazing. They are really inspiring for me.

I don't work until 4 p.m. today and my plan was to literally relax all day, write a little and catch up on my DVRd TV programs, but I think after getting these few things off my chest I feel more like going to LVAC and getting in a good workout.

I hope all of you had a good Easter holiday and are enjoying Spring wherever you are.

Busy Day, Forgotten Stomach

Busy days are a blessing and a curse. Today felt like one of those days where every decision and request made me want to tear my hair out. However, on the upside, a busy and frantic day means a fast-moving work shift.

It's ironic that I think so much about how boredom affects my diet and eating habits, but I rarely think about the exact opposite. Today we were busy as ever at work. It seemed like every customer we ever had waited in the parking lot until a big group got together and decided all at once to walk inside. It was one thing after another and that meant that our breaks were put off slightly and our hunger didn't matter at all. I ended up eating half of my lunch at 3:45 p.m. and by the time I left work at 8:30 p.m. I was starving! And feeling so hungry for me is a great thing!

I love the feeling of being hungry. I know that sounds crazy, but I really like it. I went so long with eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and although I may have thought I felt hungry, I wasn't having hunger pangs. Now that I'm eating less and more carefully, I can actually feel when I'm full or hungry. Today, I was definitely hungry, no doubt about it.

Yesterday Mike bought a dozen red roses for me and today he had dinner waiting when I got home. What an amazing husband I have! I'm certainly not hungry anymore, and on top of that, it's officially my weekend! Things are good. I'm a lucky gal.

You're a FAT PIG!

I've been thinking a lot about my weight and what that's done to the way i see myself over the years. As I've thought about this vast topic, I've remembered some of the worst moments I've ever experienced. I remember the time I was in an elevator in my dorm building at school and was randomly called ugly and cow by a male I'd never seen or spoken to before. I remember the first time I looked in the mirror and called myself those names, and I remember the first & only time I ever spoke something that awful to someone else and how I felt in its wake. None of those experiences were good, but the worst, was by far, the last.

I don't remember how old I was, but I know I was old enough to know better. I have to believe it was summertime and I was home from school being looked after by my older sister. If you ask either of us we'd tell you that we didn't get along the greatest as children. We didn't truly become friends until we were both older and starting to live our own lives in college. I know that I never did anything to encourage a better relationship when we were kids, and as a matter of fact, I was a mean little brat.

One day we were home by ourselves and disagreed about something. I don't remember at all what the argument was about, but it was probably over something stupid like what to watch on tv or what game to play. The argument escalated into a yelling match (me yelling and her walking away) and before she shut the door to her bedroom leaving me in the hallway, I yelled the one thing that I knew could truly hurt her. As the words dripped from my tongue my mind already began processing how awful what I was saying truly was. Regret flooded over me instantaneously, but I said it and couldn't take it back. I yelled, "You're a fat pig," and listened to her slam the door. It may have been my imagination, but I heard her cry a little bit too. I've never experienced instant regret like that before.

The reason those words stung, and I suppose knowing they'd sting was the reason I said them, was because my sister was a bigger kid. I knew she was self-conscious about the way that she looked and I used it against her. Having gained weight over my adult years and knowing what struggles I've gone through emotionally/mentally because of that has made that single experience even more awful. It's two decades later and I still feel bad for what I said. A true blow below the belt. To be fair, she's never brought it up since and it's not a story that we've ever relived in any way. I'm not sure she'd even remember it because we bickered so much that it might have just been chalked up as one ridiculous instance in a long line of incidents, but I'm still sorry.

I know children don't sensor themselves when they speak, but most learn over time the very distinct difference between right and wrong. I knew, without any doubt, that calling my sister a fat pig was wrong, but I did it anyway. It wasn't until I was called fat by a stranger that I realized just how wrong or awful those words can be. Quick story: While riding the elevator in Tamarack Hall at Bemidji State University my sophomore year of college from the ground floor to my room on fifth floor, a young man whom I had never recalled seeing or speaking too stood apart from me. He selected the sixth floor as his destination (every other floor was men, likewise, the opposite floors were for women). There was a third person in the elevator with us who I later met and became friends with through mutual acquaintances. He also lived on sixth floor. The ride was silent, literally no one spoke to anyone. As the doors opened on the fifth floor and I began stepping out of the elevator, one of the guys said "hey" in order to get my attention. I turned around, blocking the elevator doors and the guy said to me, "I just can't help myself, but did you know you're really unattractive? I mean you're kind of like a cow."

The guy that I eventually became friends with gasped and the asshole laughed. I stepped out of the way of the doors and let them close in front of me. I didn't show any reaction to the guy who said that to me, but when I got to my room with the door firmly closed and no way of anyone walking in on me, I cried. The kicker - I wasn't even overweight then, at all. I'm not sure I was truly hurt by his words because I had a boyfriend, lots of friends, I was happy and physically active. I went to the gym regularly and played intramural sports. I think the words really bothered me because I couldn't, and still can't fathom how anyone could say something like that to a stranger completely unprovoked.

I could say that I have a great moral to this story, but I guess I'm sharing it just for the sake of showing that words hurt. I've been on both ends of unkind words, and I have to admit that I was hurt more when I spoke them as opposed to when they were spoken to me. I thought yelling "fat pig" would make me feel better in some way, but it didn't. Think before you insult someone else, especially about weight. Body image plays into self-confidence to an extreme. And if you've been on the receiving end, just remember that those words are empty. Whoever said that to you is insecure and just trying to feel better about who they are by making you feel worse about how you look.

Who's in the Mirror?

I'm disappointed in myself. There's not a better way to describe the way I feel about myself at the moment other than to say I am completely and utterly disappointed. I haven't gained back all of the weight I lost or let myself get completely out of control, but I've reverted enough back to my old habits in order to not recognize who's looking back at me in the mirror.

Recap:

August 2009 - I weighed more than 230 lbs and was less than a year from getting married.

June 26, 2010 - My wedding day. I weighed 194 lbs and looked fantastic in my wedding gown.

Labor Day Weekend 2010 - I weighed 191 lbs and was confident.

November 2010 - I weighed 193-194 and felt good going into the holidays.

March 2011 - Today I weigh 209. What?

Sometime between November and the beginning of 2011 I lost all control of myself. I know I'm an emotional eater and a stress eater, but this is ridiculous. If I continue to let myself go in this direction then I will be back to my lifetime high weight before I know it, and I am determined to not let it get that far.

In order to get back on track, I should say it's time to go back to the drawing board, but the plan I was working before was perfect. So, it's not time to go back to square one, but it is time to re-commit myself to my basic goals and create new mini goals to strive for. That being said, I'm not sure what my super long-term goal is, but here is the start to the next phase in my weight-loss program.

Feb. 1, 2012 - This is my year goal. By this date I would like to weigh 170 lbs. In Feb. 2012, I am going with my parents, husband and family friends to Grand Cayman, and I'd like to wear a bathing suit without cringing.

June 1, 2011 - Step 1 goal. By this date I would like to be back to my weight-loss point of 192 lbs. Once I reach this goal, I'll be finished re-tracing my steps and ready to move forward.

So those are my two current goals. I know they're manageable, I just have to commit to making it happen. How am I going to do that you may ask? It's simple. I'm going to do the same thing I did last time. I'm going to watch what i eat and use programs like Lose It, Nutrition and Restaurant Info applications on my iPhone to help me eat according to my allowed calorie amounts. I'm also going to go to the gym a set number of times per week or exercise outdoors or at home when I don't get to LVAC. Lastly, I'm going to keep myself accountable of my progress and my pitfalls by continuing to blog.

Sorry I've been absent for so long. My only excuse is that I got lazy. Wish me luck please; I can use all the support I can get. Time to re-gain control of myself, and I can't wait to start seeing some progress.

Five Month Hiatus ... & a Lot of Changes

It's definitely been awhile since I've blogged, but I'm determined to get back into a regular routine. The last time I wrote I talked about my gall bladder surgery and the complications that came with it. Since that time there's been a true cornucopia of events in my life. Instead of boring you with all of the details, I'll offer a quick synopsis and maybe even a few photos!

May: surgery, last day at my job at Imagine Marketing, bachelorette party during a trip to Minnesota.

June: pre-wedding preparations, wedding & beginning of honeymoon in London.

July: honeymoon in London & visit with family in Minnesota and Wisconsin. Mike also had to work a lot of overtime while I adjusted to life without a job & searching for a new job.

August: the job

hunt continued, I struggled to keep a regular schedule.

September: Trip to Minnesota to visit family and friends, this also included a trip to the Minnesota State Fair! More job interviews and applications.

October: My birthday! I also interviewed with local companies including The Cosmopolitan,

but still no word on job placement.

Basically my life has been a blur from May until now. Every moment of every day leading up to our wedding and honeymoon was spent thinking about or preparing for the big events. And every ounce of preparation was

well worth it. The event was beautiful and exceeded every single expectation that we had!

As for my weight and how that has played into my day-to-day life, well, it's been a struggle. I maintained my weight really well leading up to the wedding to be sure my dress fit flawlessly, but I didn't give myself any restrictions during the wedding events and honeymoon. I figured that after a year of dieting, I deserved to enjoy our time in London!

Since I wasn't working I vowed to myself that I would keep a routine and pay close attention to my diet, but

it didn't always work out that way. The job search has been stressful and disappointing and for me, and that has led to stress-eating. I've always always always eaten my emotions. I have been good about getting to the gym, however. I think all of the work I'm doing at LVAC is being undone by the time I'm putting in, in front of the television.

So, this is my recommitment to myself. If I don't get my weight-loss back on track and keep with a plan then it's just going to lead to lower self-esteem and a greater struggle, right? I'm already struggling to find a job and so I don't need to continually feel bad about the way I look as well.

Today my husband (haha I'm married!!!) and I are enjoying a super relaxing day at the house. We'll watch a little college football and enjoy the fact that he's not working. I think as soon as I finish writing this I'll head to the gym so I can enjoy the rest of the day with him on the couch. Now that I have my determination back it's time to figure out what I want to do as far as the "diet" goes. Should I return to using the Lose It application on my iPhone religiously? Should I just cut out dairy and carbs? Any thoughts? I think I know that using the app is my best bet,

after all it helped me all last year right? I'm completely open to ideas!

I've added several photos throughout this blog from my wedding to my amazing husband Mike. We were married on June 26, 2010 in Oakdale, Minnesota and had a truly incredible reception in St. Paul. The best part about it was that when I looked in the mirror before the ceremony, I actually thought I looked beautiful! It's been a long time since I'd thought that about myself!